Here We Are Again December 30, 2008

Last year at this time I made a big fat noble resolution to ENJOY 2008, to be in the NOW (thank you, Eckhart Tolle), and to be GRATEFUL for all that I have.

I’m giving myself a C+ for that effort.  No, maybe just a C.  A year later, I feel more anxiety than ever.  I wish I would have spent more time this year with friends and loved ones, embarking on new adventures, and just sitting and feeling PEACE.  But….. But.  But!

To begin with, there’s my laptop, and what a needy little bitch she is!  Sure, it’s fantastic (and necessary nowadays) to be connected, to have this blog to express myself, to find so many long lost friends as well as new ones on Facebook, and to have been able to check CNN.com every two minutes from my work computer on election day.  But this growing need to find connection with the world through this little glowing box…..it is a dangerous thing.  Am I using this power for good?  I must admit there are many moments when I am NOT using the Force – but rather allowing myself to be led by outside reports, updates, and warnings aplenty.  It becomes more difficult to remember that the source of everything comes from INSIDE ME, and not from the four or five browser windows I have open at any given time.  HOW I EVER WIPED MY REAR WITHOUT THE INTERNET, I CANNOT REMEMBER.

Also, my sun-shiny optimism is giving me skin damage.  Too bright!  Bright light, bright light!   Annie was my hero at age ten – she had nothing, but she could sing and make everything and everyone feel better.  But whenever I sang Tomorrow to myself, which I did very religiously, truth be told, I would stick to the lyric, ‘You’re ONLY a day away‘, and leave out ‘You’re ALWAYS a day away‘.  I mean, come on, everybody, everything may look pretty shitty right now, but tomorrow there’ll be ice cream/a trip to the pool/dinner at McDonald’s/so-and-so’s birthday party/Fantasy Island/a shopping mall excursion with mom/a matinee/a shiny new clarinet/my period/a boy who likes me!
Fast forward twenty five years and it’s something like this – tomorrow there’ll be another paycheck/a day off/a walk in the woods/a steak dinner and a bottle of wine/piano lessons/new strings for my guitar/time to sit on my meditation pillow/an email from so-and-so/a call from you-know-who/time to lay in bed all day with my man/a baby/an invitation from the Grammys, Tonys, Oscars and the Pulitzer prize people/perfect health/an end to war/freedom for all/FORGIVENESS/enlightenment!

But.

This year, my country’s financial system came crashing down, and all the bad choices that were made finally came to light.  We’re leveraged to our eyeballs!  We bet everything on a pile of nothing!  This house of cards will stand no longer!  Now we see so clearly how living for tomorrow robs us of today.  While I am pretty clueless about money matters, and have never really invested a dime of my money in the markets, I have been living in my own special world of denial.  I was unsuccessful at following through on my 2008 resolution, to appreciate what I have, because deep down I believe that today is never good enough!  I could be better!  My life, my state of affairs, my work ethic, my dedication to my art, my relationships….they could all be so much better!  I am a loser, and I am scared and worried all the time, so I will be like Scarlett O’Hara and ‘think about that tomorrow‘.  Look how shiny and perfect tomorrow is!  I will finally get what I deserve!  It’s just around the corner!  Only a day away!

But wait.  Shit.  Tomorrow IS always a day away.

So here’s what I CAN bank on: I am grateful to you for reading this, and for this need I have to connect with you, even if I can’t see or hear you out there in internet-land. It feels good be honest with you, as refreshing as a walk in with woods on a cloudy, misty day.  A day like today.  My galoshes are calling me.  I better answer the call, before the sun comes out.  Happy New Year.

Refuge September 2, 2008

Joe and I had an amazingly rejuvenating Labor Day weekend.  We drove 3 hours north and camped in Richardson Grove State Park, amongst the giant Coastal Redwoods.  Then we drove home via Highway One along the ocean. 

We read about the Sea Ranch chapel, a non-denominational sanctuary for prayer, meditation, and spiritual renewal, and stopped to take a peek.  I can honestly say I’ve never been in a more beautiful structure.  World class artistry, and also, intimate enough to make me imagine it was my very own retreat.  There are seashells embedded in the ceiling, and throughout the interior structure.  Though I’ve not yet seen Gaudi’s work firsthand, I imagine there are many similarities in how organic the design is. 

Sea Ranch Chapel - interior

The chapel was designed and built by internationally renowned San Diego artist and architect James T. Hubbell. Hubbell has received numerous awards for his work in design, sculpture, wood, glass, stone, and metal. Among them, a 1985 “Special Award for Excellence in Craftsmanship” from the California Council of the American Institute of Architects particularly recognized his work on The Sea Ranch Chapel.

exterior of chapel

 

I look forward to a chance to visit this place again.  You can read more about it here.

Fort Ross September 2, 2008

Our second and final chapel stop of the day was at Fort Ross State Historic Park, also on Highway One, just north of Jenner and the Bodega Bay Area, in California.  The fort was originally built by the Russian-American company, as they sought an outpost to help them cultivate food and supplies badly needed for their country, during the time they were gathering sea otter pelts as fast as they could get their hands on them.  I have Super-8 footage of my parents visiting the fort on their honeymoon years ago.  I have a particular interest in this place, as it was part of the Russian-American company’s campaign under Alexander Baranof.  He was the man that settled Kodiak Island and established the capital in Sitka (New Archangel).  I have been pretty obsessed with this man’s story since I portrayed his daughter two years in a row in the outdoor drama ‘Cry of the Wild Ram’ on Kodiak Island, when I was a teenager.  There is a documentary brewing in me, surrounding the story of Baranof and the Russian-American company’s pursuits, as well as my own story of being an adolescent on the isolated but gorgeous island of Kodiak, Alaska.  I look forward to taking Joe with me back to the island, to put the story together. 

Here we are in the Fort Ross chapel, which burned to the ground in 1970, and was rebuilt the following year, the year I was born.

inside the fort ross chapel

Remember, remember May 2, 2008

My calendar tells me today is Holocast Remembrance Day.  Reminds me of a German woman I knew as a child who swore that the Holocast never happened.  Her name was Rosemarie and she was very cold.  I deduced that she was a bad person.

Years later I was a companion for another old German woman, whose husband and family had been Nazi supporters.  She didn’t like to reminisce about the past, or talk about her husband, who I knew from my caseworker, had killed himself years ago.  But she did like to talk about her early childhood, when her family was very poor like most of Germany.  When she and her siblings had their birthday, they would get their very own egg from breakfast.  The egg was their only birthday present.

Years later I bought a house and gained a neighbor of another old German woman, named Gertrud.  She too had grown up in Germany during the war, but her father had been a Resistance supporter.  There was always danger in their home.  There was also poverty.  The family was rationed 1 stick of butter each week, which was then sliced into equal portions for each family member.  Everyone had their own slice of butter on their own little plate in the icebox.  Gertrud remembers taking swipes from her sister’s butter, and feeling so guilty, so sure that her sister would not be so dishonest, but she just couldn’t help herself. We are all hungry.  There is hunger and fear everywhere, always.

Don’t ever forget this is true.  Breathe in the free, fresh air around you, and open your heart.

 

Soul Inspiration January 30, 2008

I’m really fond of this artist I discovered at an open studio weekend in Berkeley.  Salma Arastu was born in India and describes her paintings this way:

“I am attempting to create a world through my art work in which the magic of communion plays a central role.” 

This painting in acrylic is called ‘The Story Teller’.

Find out more at http://www.salmaarastu.com/

The Need to Lead January 27, 2008

I’ve been feeling a little guilty about my Tom Cruise post last week.  It was just too delicious not to share that Scientology video with you.  But then I picked up the latest People magazine, the one with Heath Ledger on the cover, and there was a whole page of damage control for Tom.  From Bruce Willis to Harvey Weinstein, there were quotes on how Tom is just a great, average guy who just happens to have religious view that offend some, but basically – Give Tom a break! Stop picking on Tom!

So then I started feeling guilty – who am I to make fun of this guy – I believe in religious freedom of expression and all of that.  What gives me the right to ridicule a man who has worked hard to build his own golden palace, and appears to have total domestic and professional fulfillment?  Hell, I wouldn’t mind being able to hold a press conference in my own home and serve forty different flavors of ice cream to my guests…

I still like Tom.  He’s a good lookin, virile dude and his performance in ‘Magnolia’ is one of my all-time favorites. But he asked for this when he started putting out statements long ago, insinuating that Scientology was better than other spiritual disciplines.  To have the over-confidence to tell us he understood our souls better than we could.   To go after Brooke Shields and all that – religion on the offense.  It’s creepy.  It feels just like the evangelical set.  Talking down to us, telling us our choices are wrong…..

 Good God almighty, we need a prophet.  Dear Buddha, we need a leader.  Someone to teach us how to lead for ourselves, to see all the goodness that we are.  Without guilt or competition or ‘there’s a limited suppy, so you better act now – operators are standing by’  kind of mentality.  There is plenty, and we all have it inside.