Here We Are Again December 30, 2008

Last year at this time I made a big fat noble resolution to ENJOY 2008, to be in the NOW (thank you, Eckhart Tolle), and to be GRATEFUL for all that I have.

I’m giving myself a C+ for that effort.  No, maybe just a C.  A year later, I feel more anxiety than ever.  I wish I would have spent more time this year with friends and loved ones, embarking on new adventures, and just sitting and feeling PEACE.  But….. But.  But!

To begin with, there’s my laptop, and what a needy little bitch she is!  Sure, it’s fantastic (and necessary nowadays) to be connected, to have this blog to express myself, to find so many long lost friends as well as new ones on Facebook, and to have been able to check CNN.com every two minutes from my work computer on election day.  But this growing need to find connection with the world through this little glowing box…..it is a dangerous thing.  Am I using this power for good?  I must admit there are many moments when I am NOT using the Force – but rather allowing myself to be led by outside reports, updates, and warnings aplenty.  It becomes more difficult to remember that the source of everything comes from INSIDE ME, and not from the four or five browser windows I have open at any given time.  HOW I EVER WIPED MY REAR WITHOUT THE INTERNET, I CANNOT REMEMBER.

Also, my sun-shiny optimism is giving me skin damage.  Too bright!  Bright light, bright light!   Annie was my hero at age ten – she had nothing, but she could sing and make everything and everyone feel better.  But whenever I sang Tomorrow to myself, which I did very religiously, truth be told, I would stick to the lyric, ‘You’re ONLY a day away‘, and leave out ‘You’re ALWAYS a day away‘.  I mean, come on, everybody, everything may look pretty shitty right now, but tomorrow there’ll be ice cream/a trip to the pool/dinner at McDonald’s/so-and-so’s birthday party/Fantasy Island/a shopping mall excursion with mom/a matinee/a shiny new clarinet/my period/a boy who likes me!
Fast forward twenty five years and it’s something like this – tomorrow there’ll be another paycheck/a day off/a walk in the woods/a steak dinner and a bottle of wine/piano lessons/new strings for my guitar/time to sit on my meditation pillow/an email from so-and-so/a call from you-know-who/time to lay in bed all day with my man/a baby/an invitation from the Grammys, Tonys, Oscars and the Pulitzer prize people/perfect health/an end to war/freedom for all/FORGIVENESS/enlightenment!

But.

This year, my country’s financial system came crashing down, and all the bad choices that were made finally came to light.  We’re leveraged to our eyeballs!  We bet everything on a pile of nothing!  This house of cards will stand no longer!  Now we see so clearly how living for tomorrow robs us of today.  While I am pretty clueless about money matters, and have never really invested a dime of my money in the markets, I have been living in my own special world of denial.  I was unsuccessful at following through on my 2008 resolution, to appreciate what I have, because deep down I believe that today is never good enough!  I could be better!  My life, my state of affairs, my work ethic, my dedication to my art, my relationships….they could all be so much better!  I am a loser, and I am scared and worried all the time, so I will be like Scarlett O’Hara and ‘think about that tomorrow‘.  Look how shiny and perfect tomorrow is!  I will finally get what I deserve!  It’s just around the corner!  Only a day away!

But wait.  Shit.  Tomorrow IS always a day away.

So here’s what I CAN bank on: I am grateful to you for reading this, and for this need I have to connect with you, even if I can’t see or hear you out there in internet-land. It feels good be honest with you, as refreshing as a walk in with woods on a cloudy, misty day.  A day like today.  My galoshes are calling me.  I better answer the call, before the sun comes out.  Happy New Year.